1
00:00:06,051 --> 00:00:08,119
Aw, look.
2
00:00:08,204 --> 00:00:10,838
I bet grandma and grandpa
have a fun day planned for you.
3
00:00:10,873 --> 00:00:12,407
No, we don't. We can't watch Hope.
4
00:00:12,441 --> 00:00:14,576
In fact, you need to watch Maw Maw for us.
5
00:00:14,610 --> 00:00:15,777
Your mother and I are competing
6
00:00:15,811 --> 00:00:17,845
in the Natesville Wife
Carrying competition.
7
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,614
Big Joe and his dwarf wife got divorced.
8
00:00:19,648 --> 00:00:20,848
So we really have a shot this year.
9
00:00:20,883 --> 00:00:22,083
Come on, guys. No fair.
10
00:00:22,117 --> 00:00:23,985
I watched Maw Maw for you last weekend.
11
00:00:24,019 --> 00:00:26,654
Over the years, my parents
had developed a little strategy
12
00:00:26,689 --> 00:00:27,722
to get what they wanted.
13
00:00:27,756 --> 00:00:28,856
They called it
14
00:00:28,891 --> 00:00:30,858
"bad cop, sad cop."
15
00:00:30,893 --> 00:00:32,827
You turn off our gas, I'll have you
16
00:00:32,861 --> 00:00:34,229
busted down to pumping gas.
17
00:00:34,263 --> 00:00:35,230
(Spits)
18
00:00:35,264 --> 00:00:36,731
You can't turn off our gas.
19
00:00:36,765 --> 00:00:39,167
This rotisserie chicken is barely cooked.
20
00:00:39,201 --> 00:00:41,102
If we eat this, we'll die!
21
00:00:43,539 --> 00:00:45,873
If you don't let us in,
I'll have you busted down
22
00:00:45,908 --> 00:00:48,543
from checking credentials
to checking urinal cakes.
23
00:00:48,577 --> 00:00:49,744
(Spits)
24
00:00:49,778 --> 00:00:52,347
The last wish foundation said there'd be
25
00:00:52,381 --> 00:00:54,549
tickets for us. (Coughs twice)
26
00:01:01,991 --> 00:01:04,359
I will have you busted down
27
00:01:04,393 --> 00:01:06,527
from meter maid to regular maid.
28
00:01:06,562 --> 00:01:09,364
And trust me, that is a
picnic without a blanket.
29
00:01:09,398 --> 00:01:10,598
(Spits)
30
00:01:10,633 --> 00:01:11,966
We're barely 62 minutes late.
31
00:01:12,001 --> 00:01:15,069
Please, I lost my job. My dog died.
32
00:01:15,104 --> 00:01:17,805
My best friend didn't make
it back from the war...
33
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,207
on obesity.
34
00:01:19,241 --> 00:01:20,942
I'm not gonna tow your car.
35
00:01:20,976 --> 00:01:23,244
The only thing I regret is not being able
36
00:01:23,279 --> 00:01:24,979
to take back that ticket.
37
00:01:25,014 --> 00:01:26,281
(Sobbing)
38
00:01:28,917 --> 00:01:30,218
If you don't watch Maw Maw,
39
00:01:30,252 --> 00:01:31,919
I will bust you down to stepchild.
40
00:01:31,954 --> 00:01:33,054
And if you think you had it bad before,
41
00:01:33,088 --> 00:01:36,291
you ain't seen nothing yet. (Spits)
42
00:01:36,325 --> 00:01:37,892
You just spit on the coffee table.
43
00:01:37,926 --> 00:01:39,127
Jimmy, please?
44
00:01:39,161 --> 00:01:40,428
Business is slow.
45
00:01:40,462 --> 00:01:41,863
I have no retirement savings.
46
00:01:41,897 --> 00:01:43,298
My son's a disappointment.
47
00:01:43,332 --> 00:01:45,113
Well, yes, of course.
48
00:01:45,117 --> 00:01:46,884
I'll... I'll watch Maw Maw for you.
49
00:01:46,969 --> 00:01:48,269
Great.
50
00:01:48,304 --> 00:01:49,304
We'll be out late.
51
00:01:49,338 --> 00:01:50,471
We totally could've been cops.
52
00:01:50,506 --> 00:01:52,507
We'd clean this city up.
53
00:01:56,278 --> 00:01:58,179
Whoo!
54
00:01:58,213 --> 00:01:59,614
Here we go
55
00:01:59,648 --> 00:02:02,650
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
56
00:02:02,685 --> 00:02:04,952
Hello, Chances.
57
00:02:07,556 --> 00:02:10,958
Thank you for meeting
us at the house, Wally.
58
00:02:10,993 --> 00:02:12,760
Not a problem.
59
00:02:12,795 --> 00:02:14,095
Ah.
60
00:02:14,129 --> 00:02:17,198
The old voodoo woman who whitens my teeth
61
00:02:17,232 --> 00:02:18,766
lives around the corner.
62
00:02:18,801 --> 00:02:20,001
It's part of my makeover.
63
00:02:20,035 --> 00:02:21,703
How old do you think I look? Whoa, whoa!
64
00:02:22,671 --> 00:02:24,138
There's no wrong answer.
65
00:02:24,173 --> 00:02:25,773
- 72.
- Wrong answer.
66
00:02:25,808 --> 00:02:28,176
Why are you trying to euthanize yourself?
67
00:02:28,210 --> 00:02:29,544
I've got a big case
68
00:02:29,578 --> 00:02:32,847
and the prosecutor has
hired two young "lilfs"
69
00:02:32,881 --> 00:02:34,782
to sway the jury.
70
00:02:34,817 --> 00:02:37,618
"Lawyers I'd like to frolic with."
71
00:02:37,653 --> 00:02:38,419
Come on, guys.
72
00:02:38,454 --> 00:02:40,054
It's self-explanatory.
73
00:02:40,089 --> 00:02:41,222
Makes sense to me.
74
00:02:41,256 --> 00:02:42,757
Like how we knew O.J. was guilty
75
00:02:42,791 --> 00:02:44,525
because Marcia Clark was so hot.
76
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,060
I'm not familiar with that case.
77
00:02:46,095 --> 00:02:47,628
But enough small talk.
78
00:02:47,663 --> 00:02:50,531
I have to get to my
eyebrow wax in 15 minutes.
79
00:02:50,566 --> 00:02:51,999
What did you guys do now?
80
00:02:52,034 --> 00:02:53,134
We didn't do anything.
81
00:02:53,168 --> 00:02:54,669
Actually, this time, it's me.
82
00:02:54,703 --> 00:02:57,238
Oh, you are gonna have so
much fun at the aquarium.
83
00:02:57,272 --> 00:02:58,973
All right.
84
00:02:59,007 --> 00:03:00,975
And I'll be right here
when you get back, okay?
85
00:03:01,009 --> 00:03:02,243
Oh, uh, Mrs. Chance, I'm sorry.
86
00:03:02,277 --> 00:03:03,678
I can't let Hope on the bus.
87
00:03:03,712 --> 00:03:06,180
Her permission slip needs to
be signed by a legal guardian.
88
00:03:06,215 --> 00:03:07,749
Oh, well, I'm married to her father, so...
89
00:03:07,783 --> 00:03:08,716
No, I'm sorry.
90
00:03:08,751 --> 00:03:10,184
It's for the kids' safety.
91
00:03:10,219 --> 00:03:11,519
Really.
92
00:03:11,553 --> 00:03:13,287
Says the person who hired the
psycho with the face piercings
93
00:03:13,322 --> 00:03:15,390
and the teardrop tattoo to drive the bus?
94
00:03:15,424 --> 00:03:17,091
That "psycho" is my husband.
95
00:03:17,126 --> 00:03:21,028
And the teardrop is a tribute
to the lost children of Sudan.
96
00:03:24,933 --> 00:03:28,936
So, I would like to officially adopt Hope.
97
00:03:28,971 --> 00:03:29,670
I see.
98
00:03:29,705 --> 00:03:33,107
Well, as much as I would
like to handle that...
99
00:03:33,142 --> 00:03:34,375
it's expensive.
100
00:03:35,310 --> 00:03:36,511
And these two
101
00:03:36,545 --> 00:03:37,678
still owe me
102
00:03:37,713 --> 00:03:39,514
from when they sued the blue jean company
103
00:03:39,548 --> 00:03:41,048
over the "button-fly."
104
00:03:41,083 --> 00:03:42,283
Seriously, guys?
105
00:03:42,317 --> 00:03:43,951
I'm a busy man and those people have stolen
106
00:03:43,986 --> 00:03:44,952
minutes from my life.
107
00:03:44,987 --> 00:03:46,020
I... I'm sure that they intend
108
00:03:46,054 --> 00:03:47,922
to pay you back... right?
109
00:03:49,491 --> 00:03:51,926
Have you heard of something
called "Burt bucks"?
110
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,161
Yes.
111
00:03:53,195 --> 00:03:54,629
I'm the one that got you off
112
00:03:54,663 --> 00:03:55,863
the counterfeiting charge.
113
00:03:55,898 --> 00:03:57,598
You didn't pay me for that either.
114
00:03:57,633 --> 00:03:59,100
Well, sorry, Sabrina.
115
00:03:59,134 --> 00:04:00,735
I guess you'll never be Hope's real mom.
116
00:04:00,769 --> 00:04:01,569
We tried.
117
00:04:01,603 --> 00:04:03,604
Wait, I'm starting to think
118
00:04:03,639 --> 00:04:06,240
that one hot, young
stud might not be enough
119
00:04:06,275 --> 00:04:07,141
to win this case.
120
00:04:07,176 --> 00:04:08,776
So, I'll do the adoption,
121
00:04:08,811 --> 00:04:12,413
if you two sit at my
table as extra eye candy.
122
00:04:12,448 --> 00:04:13,414
(Gasps)
123
00:04:13,449 --> 00:04:15,883
It would be so fun to
pretend to be lawyers.
124
00:04:15,918 --> 00:04:16,984
I could be just like the one
125
00:04:17,019 --> 00:04:18,886
Ally McBeal played on that show.
126
00:04:18,921 --> 00:04:20,888
I could be like that cool army guy on JAG.
127
00:04:20,923 --> 00:04:23,424
I've always wanted an
excuse to wear white pants.
128
00:04:23,459 --> 00:04:24,792
We'll do it.
129
00:04:24,827 --> 00:04:26,461
With you two lookers,
130
00:04:26,495 --> 00:04:28,262
I won't need this anymore.
131
00:04:28,297 --> 00:04:29,163
Now...
132
00:04:29,198 --> 00:04:30,331
if one of you wouldn't mind
133
00:04:30,365 --> 00:04:31,632
helping me...
134
00:04:31,667 --> 00:04:34,602
pull off this tape.
135
00:04:37,473 --> 00:04:39,807
(Yelling)
136
00:04:43,111 --> 00:04:44,510
Jimmy: With Wally on
board, we could finally
137
00:04:44,513 --> 00:04:46,514
make the adoption official.
138
00:04:46,548 --> 00:04:48,449
How about a little more teeth?
139
00:04:49,218 --> 00:04:51,085
Perfect.
140
00:04:51,119 --> 00:04:52,987
Cool, we get an official picture.
141
00:04:53,021 --> 00:04:54,021
Next.
142
00:04:54,056 --> 00:04:55,022
That's us.
143
00:04:55,057 --> 00:04:56,290
Here you go.
144
00:04:58,393 --> 00:04:59,660
Ooh.
145
00:04:59,695 --> 00:05:01,162
Okay, bye.
146
00:05:01,196 --> 00:05:04,866
I... I thought you were gonna swear us in.
147
00:05:04,900 --> 00:05:06,501
This isn't an inauguration.
148
00:05:06,535 --> 00:05:08,302
We'll just get to the picture then.
149
00:05:08,337 --> 00:05:10,638
This camera's only for official business.
150
00:05:10,672 --> 00:05:13,441
No, I just officially adopted
this little girl, so...
151
00:05:13,475 --> 00:05:15,209
For official hunting licenses.
152
00:05:15,244 --> 00:05:17,378
Squab season starts tomorrow.
153
00:05:17,412 --> 00:05:20,681
Great, then we'll take one
family hunting license, please.
154
00:05:20,716 --> 00:05:22,316
Are you going to go squab hunting?
155
00:05:22,351 --> 00:05:23,851
Yes, you know what? Yes.
156
00:05:23,886 --> 00:05:25,119
Here, come on.
157
00:05:26,989 --> 00:05:28,189
My family and I would like
158
00:05:28,223 --> 00:05:30,758
one license to kill whatever a squab is.
159
00:05:30,792 --> 00:05:32,894
I don't issue licenses to non-hunters.
160
00:05:32,928 --> 00:05:33,961
It cheapens it.
161
00:05:33,996 --> 00:05:35,162
Come on, honestly.
162
00:05:35,197 --> 00:05:36,864
How hard is it really to just, like,
163
00:05:36,899 --> 00:05:39,166
click your little button and take a picture
164
00:05:39,201 --> 00:05:40,601
of me and my family?
165
00:05:41,637 --> 00:05:43,471
You know, I... I got a camera on my phone.
166
00:05:43,505 --> 00:05:44,906
We could just take a picture outside.
167
00:05:44,940 --> 00:05:47,108
They got a... a nice rosebush,
and that... that statue
168
00:05:47,142 --> 00:05:49,677
of that blind woman holding weights.
169
00:05:49,711 --> 00:05:50,912
Yeah.
170
00:05:50,946 --> 00:05:53,047
It just... (Groans)
171
00:05:53,081 --> 00:05:56,083
Oh, someone's adopting a puppy.
172
00:05:56,118 --> 00:05:57,785
I've got to get a picture of this.
173
00:05:57,819 --> 00:05:58,920
Oh, come on!
174
00:05:58,954 --> 00:06:00,021
Really?
175
00:06:03,110 --> 00:06:05,411
This Polish gentlemen said,
176
00:06:05,445 --> 00:06:07,413
"I didn't know it was a penis."
177
00:06:07,447 --> 00:06:08,915
Hold for laughter.
178
00:06:08,949 --> 00:06:10,049
Salute jury.
179
00:06:11,151 --> 00:06:13,886
I saw this lawyer at a trial in Florida
180
00:06:13,921 --> 00:06:15,888
open with a knock-knock joke.
181
00:06:15,923 --> 00:06:17,657
Trust me.
182
00:06:17,691 --> 00:06:18,858
It killed.
183
00:06:18,892 --> 00:06:21,561
How about when you say, "he's not guilty,"
184
00:06:21,595 --> 00:06:23,696
I'll try to get the whole courtroom to say,
185
00:06:23,730 --> 00:06:26,032
"how not guilty is he?"
186
00:06:26,066 --> 00:06:28,134
No, no, no, no. You... you say nothing.
187
00:06:28,168 --> 00:06:30,736
But we stayed up all
night watching Matlock.
188
00:06:30,771 --> 00:06:32,672
Burt does a great southern lawyer.
189
00:06:32,706 --> 00:06:35,074
(Odd Southern accent): My name is Brown.
190
00:06:35,108 --> 00:06:38,144
And I am against this board of education.
191
00:06:38,178 --> 00:06:39,679
I admire your commitment.
192
00:06:39,713 --> 00:06:41,047
But I also know how difficult it is
193
00:06:41,081 --> 00:06:43,449
for you to button your fly.
194
00:06:43,483 --> 00:06:44,684
Therefore,
195
00:06:44,718 --> 00:06:47,086
you... you stay quiet.
196
00:07:00,734 --> 00:07:02,735
My God.
197
00:07:04,171 --> 00:07:07,139
She's got one good-looking posse.
198
00:07:07,174 --> 00:07:10,643
All right, just like we practiced.
199
00:07:11,578 --> 00:07:14,180
- Counselor.
- Counselor.
200
00:07:19,119 --> 00:07:22,188
Okay.
201
00:07:22,222 --> 00:07:24,223
Game on.
202
00:07:25,659 --> 00:07:28,461
Wow, that took a lot out of me.
203
00:07:28,495 --> 00:07:30,630
Being a lawyer's a lot
harder than I thought.
204
00:07:30,664 --> 00:07:33,432
Now I know why they charge by the hour.
205
00:07:33,467 --> 00:07:35,468
That was only, like, 30 seconds.
206
00:07:35,502 --> 00:07:36,535
I'm exhausted.
207
00:07:36,570 --> 00:07:37,837
(Yawns)
208
00:07:39,473 --> 00:07:41,073
So, I'd been in labor for four hours
209
00:07:41,108 --> 00:07:42,742
and it's pouring rain outside.
210
00:07:42,776 --> 00:07:44,844
But right then when my Skylar was born,
211
00:07:44,878 --> 00:07:46,479
a ray of light came through the window.
212
00:07:46,513 --> 00:07:48,848
I know exactly what you're talking about.
213
00:07:51,284 --> 00:07:52,752
What was it like when you first saw Hope?
214
00:07:52,786 --> 00:07:54,854
It was really...
215
00:07:54,888 --> 00:07:56,022
magical.
216
00:07:56,056 --> 00:07:57,523
Giving birth to Hope was
217
00:07:57,557 --> 00:07:59,925
probably the best thing
I ever did with my life.
218
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,394
Really I was just lucky
219
00:08:01,428 --> 00:08:05,231
that Jimmy was there to help
me push it out of my body.
220
00:08:05,265 --> 00:08:07,266
You guys took baby classes?
221
00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:09,435
Yeah, we took, uh, two years.
222
00:08:09,469 --> 00:08:10,936
Jimmy and I were very,
223
00:08:10,971 --> 00:08:14,774
very serious about baby birth.
224
00:08:18,645 --> 00:08:20,880
First, she seemed upset that the adoption
225
00:08:20,914 --> 00:08:22,515
was just a rubber stamp.
226
00:08:22,549 --> 00:08:24,050
Then, next thing I know,
227
00:08:24,084 --> 00:08:25,718
she's saying she breast-fed Hope
228
00:08:25,752 --> 00:08:26,952
two gallons of milk a day.
229
00:08:26,987 --> 00:08:28,554
Now, I am no expert.
230
00:08:28,588 --> 00:08:31,624
But this seems like a
lot for a 95-pound woman.
231
00:08:31,658 --> 00:08:33,225
Maybe Sabrina feels like she missed out
232
00:08:33,260 --> 00:08:35,461
on the whole "having a
baby" part of motherhood.
233
00:08:35,495 --> 00:08:37,129
Yeah.
234
00:08:37,164 --> 00:08:40,099
To us, giving birth just seems like
235
00:08:40,133 --> 00:08:42,435
a painful, disgusting,
236
00:08:42,469 --> 00:08:44,437
cruel joke of biology.
237
00:08:44,471 --> 00:08:46,939
But to women, it's their super bowl.
238
00:08:46,973 --> 00:08:49,141
When my non-birth mother was
feeling the way Sabrina is,
239
00:08:49,176 --> 00:08:51,610
my other mother got the ladies
from her rugby team together
240
00:08:51,645 --> 00:08:54,380
and they threw her a rebirthing ceremony.
241
00:08:54,414 --> 00:08:55,381
Where do you go for that?
242
00:08:55,415 --> 00:08:57,516
Well, my moms went to a bar
243
00:08:57,551 --> 00:08:59,051
in Vermont called Saloon B. Anthony.
244
00:08:59,086 --> 00:09:00,920
But you could do it yourself.
245
00:09:00,954 --> 00:09:02,321
How am I supposed to do a rebirthing?
246
00:09:02,355 --> 00:09:03,556
I've never even seen an actual birth.
247
00:09:03,590 --> 00:09:04,724
Hope was born in a jail.
248
00:09:04,758 --> 00:09:05,991
Frank and I could help you.
249
00:09:06,026 --> 00:09:07,026
Oh, yeah, totally.
250
00:09:07,060 --> 00:09:09,195
Rebirthing ceremonies are simple.
251
00:09:10,564 --> 00:09:13,466
Sometimes insomnia can drive a man
252
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:17,203
to the deep dark corners of the Internet.
253
00:09:17,237 --> 00:09:19,405
That is when the Polish man said,
254
00:09:19,439 --> 00:09:21,240
"I didn't know it was a penis."
255
00:09:21,274 --> 00:09:24,376
- (Jurors chuckling)
- She stole my joke!
256
00:09:24,411 --> 00:09:26,011
My entire opening argument
257
00:09:26,046 --> 00:09:27,980
was built on that joke!
258
00:09:28,014 --> 00:09:29,949
... the only thing that
you'll come to realize...
259
00:09:29,983 --> 00:09:32,118
is...
260
00:09:32,152 --> 00:09:33,486
that man,
261
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:34,620
Bobby Bowman,
262
00:09:34,654 --> 00:09:36,422
is a moped thief.
263
00:09:36,456 --> 00:09:38,991
And I will prove that to you
264
00:09:39,025 --> 00:09:40,559
beyond a shadow of a doubt.
265
00:09:40,594 --> 00:09:42,495
Mr. Phipps, your opening statement?
266
00:09:44,698 --> 00:09:48,067
I have an even better opening joke.
267
00:09:48,101 --> 00:09:50,269
But before I tell it,
268
00:09:50,303 --> 00:09:53,539
have any of you ever
been molested by a clown?
269
00:10:01,915 --> 00:10:03,048
I've got nothing.
270
00:10:03,083 --> 00:10:04,183
You can do this.
271
00:10:04,217 --> 00:10:06,519
Remember, you don't have to be that good
272
00:10:06,553 --> 00:10:08,654
because we're that beautiful.
273
00:10:14,227 --> 00:10:16,262
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
274
00:10:16,296 --> 00:10:17,830
me and my...
275
00:10:17,864 --> 00:10:20,900
noticeably handsome colleagues
276
00:10:20,934 --> 00:10:24,236
have over 1,000 years
277
00:10:24,271 --> 00:10:26,872
of law school
278
00:10:26,907 --> 00:10:28,340
between the three of us.
279
00:10:28,375 --> 00:10:30,709
I dare you to not be
280
00:10:30,744 --> 00:10:31,911
both intellectually
281
00:10:31,945 --> 00:10:34,747
and physically aroused.
282
00:10:36,883 --> 00:10:38,484
Nothing more, your honor...
283
00:10:39,519 --> 00:10:41,554
... because all I see are stars.
284
00:10:41,588 --> 00:10:43,856
(All gasp)
285
00:10:47,527 --> 00:10:50,763
How not guilty is he?
286
00:10:56,964 --> 00:10:59,099
Don't worry, I'm not gonna die.
287
00:10:59,133 --> 00:11:00,967
I have it on the authority
288
00:11:01,002 --> 00:11:02,969
of a very reputable fortune teller
289
00:11:03,004 --> 00:11:06,206
that I would live to be...
290
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,241
Wait, how old am I?
291
00:11:10,311 --> 00:11:13,380
Well, at least our
careers as pretend lawyers
292
00:11:13,414 --> 00:11:15,682
are ending without us ever losing a case.
293
00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:17,550
I'm really gonna miss these glasses.
294
00:11:17,585 --> 00:11:18,952
They make me feel so smart.
295
00:11:18,986 --> 00:11:20,620
Wait, you guys cannot go.
296
00:11:20,655 --> 00:11:22,656
I can't afford another lawyer.
297
00:11:22,690 --> 00:11:24,291
We really want to help, but...
298
00:11:24,325 --> 00:11:26,559
we're not the kind of
lawyers you think we are.
299
00:11:26,594 --> 00:11:27,994
Okay, so what's your specialty?
300
00:11:28,029 --> 00:11:29,863
Cases with special victims,
301
00:11:29,897 --> 00:11:31,564
criminals with intent.
302
00:11:31,599 --> 00:11:34,134
You know, ripped from the
headlines kind of stuff.
303
00:11:34,168 --> 00:11:36,002
Okay, look, I'm innocent.
304
00:11:36,037 --> 00:11:38,405
All right, you guys are my only hope.
305
00:11:38,439 --> 00:11:39,639
This is serious.
306
00:11:39,674 --> 00:11:40,707
He needs us.
307
00:11:40,741 --> 00:11:42,142
I know, but we can't do this.
308
00:11:42,176 --> 00:11:43,643
We're in way over our heads.
309
00:11:43,678 --> 00:11:45,478
You know who else was in over her head?
310
00:11:45,513 --> 00:11:46,980
Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde,
311
00:11:47,014 --> 00:11:48,315
and she never gave up.
312
00:11:48,349 --> 00:11:49,482
Neither did the dog lawyer
313
00:11:49,517 --> 00:11:51,651
in Chihuahua Attorney: Justice Bites.
314
00:11:51,686 --> 00:11:54,487
And if that dog can win a
case against the Supreme Court,
315
00:11:54,522 --> 00:11:56,790
we can do this.
316
00:11:56,824 --> 00:11:58,358
Your Highness,
317
00:11:58,392 --> 00:11:59,526
we'd like to continue on
318
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:00,961
without Mr. Phipps.
319
00:12:00,995 --> 00:12:03,163
Just be prepared to
keep us on a short leash,
320
00:12:03,197 --> 00:12:05,298
but ultimately, you'll
see where we're going
321
00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:07,334
with this and allow it.
322
00:12:09,837 --> 00:12:11,304
Just a few more steps.
323
00:12:11,339 --> 00:12:13,406
Ooh, please be a tetherball,
please be a tetherball.
324
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:14,607
Ta-da!
325
00:12:16,010 --> 00:12:17,110
Everything about this scares me.
326
00:12:17,144 --> 00:12:18,845
Jimmy, what the hell is going on?
327
00:12:18,879 --> 00:12:20,080
It's a rebirthing ceremony.
328
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,314
Surprise!
329
00:12:21,349 --> 00:12:23,817
We're going to simulate
childbirth so you can feel
330
00:12:23,851 --> 00:12:24,617
like a real mom.
331
00:12:24,652 --> 00:12:26,953
Welcome to your Super Bowl.
332
00:12:26,988 --> 00:12:28,621
Jimmy, why would you do this?
333
00:12:28,656 --> 00:12:30,290
Because you seemed so upset at City Hall
334
00:12:30,324 --> 00:12:32,959
when they didn't make a big
deal out of the adoption.
335
00:12:32,994 --> 00:12:34,494
I thought that, you know, you wanted more
336
00:12:34,528 --> 00:12:35,962
of a motherhood moment.
337
00:12:35,997 --> 00:12:38,064
No, I... I just was upset
about the bureaucracy of it.
338
00:12:38,099 --> 00:12:40,367
Like, why should a squab
killer get a photo and we don't?
339
00:12:40,401 --> 00:12:42,635
Why did you lie to the
mothers of Skylar and Skylar?
340
00:12:42,670 --> 00:12:43,903
I mean, I heard you telling them
341
00:12:43,938 --> 00:12:45,372
that you gave birth to Hope.
342
00:12:45,406 --> 00:12:46,740
- Oh, you heard that?
- Yeah.
343
00:12:46,774 --> 00:12:48,875
The other moms were talking
about their baby stories,
344
00:12:48,909 --> 00:12:50,310
and I just didn't feel like getting
345
00:12:50,344 --> 00:12:51,711
into the whole thing about Hope.
346
00:12:51,746 --> 00:12:53,380
It's not a big deal, it's just...
347
00:12:53,414 --> 00:12:56,182
sometimes I lie when it's
easier than telling the truth.
348
00:12:56,217 --> 00:12:58,251
Look, I'm all right if we don't do this,
349
00:12:58,285 --> 00:13:00,553
but there was another person helping.
350
00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:05,892
Hi.
351
00:13:05,926 --> 00:13:07,360
She's been practicing all day.
352
00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:08,495
(Sighs)
353
00:13:08,529 --> 00:13:09,596
What the heck?
354
00:13:09,630 --> 00:13:10,663
All right, fine.
355
00:13:10,698 --> 00:13:12,198
Then let's get to it because...
356
00:13:12,233 --> 00:13:13,566
(Gasps)
357
00:13:13,601 --> 00:13:14,734
... your water just broke.
358
00:13:16,237 --> 00:13:18,471
Mr. Lennox, would you point to the man
359
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:20,273
you saw steal your moped?
360
00:13:21,242 --> 00:13:22,442
Bend down and tie your shoe.
361
00:13:22,476 --> 00:13:24,244
I'm pretty sure he'd just point lower.
362
00:13:24,278 --> 00:13:25,712
Let the record show that Mr. Lennox
363
00:13:25,746 --> 00:13:27,881
pointed to the defendant.
364
00:13:27,915 --> 00:13:29,682
(Sighs)
365
00:13:38,926 --> 00:13:40,627
That didn't work.
366
00:13:40,661 --> 00:13:43,196
Do that "withdrawn" trick
they do on Law and Order.
367
00:13:43,230 --> 00:13:45,065
Yeah, yeah.
368
00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:48,401
Mr. Lennox,
369
00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:51,371
is it true that you
decapitate puppies as a hobby?
370
00:13:52,239 --> 00:13:52,939
Withdrawn.
371
00:13:52,973 --> 00:13:55,375
Weren't you a member of the Taliban?
372
00:13:55,409 --> 00:13:57,010
Withdrawn.
373
00:13:57,044 --> 00:13:59,479
A pedophile? Withdrawn.
374
00:13:59,513 --> 00:14:00,613
A thief? Withdrawn.
375
00:14:00,648 --> 00:14:03,983
Defecated in an avocado field?
376
00:14:04,018 --> 00:14:05,151
Withdrawn.
377
00:14:05,186 --> 00:14:06,719
Mr. Chance, enough of this.
378
00:14:06,754 --> 00:14:07,987
Damn Law and Order
379
00:14:08,022 --> 00:14:10,590
ruined an entire generation of lawyers.
380
00:14:11,592 --> 00:14:13,760
I'm calling a recess.
381
00:14:15,696 --> 00:14:16,830
Ooh, recess.
382
00:14:16,864 --> 00:14:18,498
Maybe it would be good for us to go outside
383
00:14:18,532 --> 00:14:19,766
and run around for about ten minutes.
384
00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:27,874
Okay, contractions are starting.
385
00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:30,610
You gonna go natural
or you want some drugs?
386
00:14:30,644 --> 00:14:31,978
Wait, do you actually have drugs?
387
00:14:32,012 --> 00:14:33,613
There's no time for drugs!
388
00:14:33,647 --> 00:14:34,347
This baby's coming!
389
00:14:34,381 --> 00:14:35,748
Brace yourselves.
390
00:14:35,783 --> 00:14:36,916
Breathe, Sabrina.
391
00:14:36,951 --> 00:14:38,618
Come on, baby, you can do it.
392
00:14:38,652 --> 00:14:39,619
(Exhaling, huffing)
393
00:14:39,653 --> 00:14:41,221
This is actually kind of exciting, Jimmy.
394
00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:42,956
Yeah, your breathing is great.
395
00:14:42,990 --> 00:14:45,859
Now, pick a focal point and stare at it.
396
00:14:45,893 --> 00:14:47,127
Wow.
397
00:14:47,161 --> 00:14:48,361
Yeah, I read a book.
398
00:14:48,395 --> 00:14:49,629
(Huffing, exhaling)
399
00:14:49,663 --> 00:14:51,030
I'm really glad we didn't take those drugs.
400
00:14:51,065 --> 00:14:52,098
I feel like it's really important
401
00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:53,366
for me to be present through this.
402
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,502
When this is over, I call
dibs on the faux-gina.
403
00:14:55,536 --> 00:14:57,937
I want to do more of these
for deserving barren couples.
404
00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:02,308
Okay, here we go.
405
00:15:02,343 --> 00:15:05,111
- We are having a baby!
- I know!
406
00:15:05,146 --> 00:15:06,813
But soon, right?
407
00:15:06,847 --> 00:15:08,882
'Cause I feel like she's
been in that tube for a while.
408
00:15:08,916 --> 00:15:10,350
Mommy, I'm stuck!
409
00:15:10,384 --> 00:15:11,518
What?
410
00:15:11,552 --> 00:15:12,685
Wait, how can she be stuck?
411
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,053
In the spirit of realism,
412
00:15:14,088 --> 00:15:16,055
one may have stuffed
the tube with spaghetti.
413
00:15:16,090 --> 00:15:17,891
What? Why would you do something like that?
414
00:15:17,925 --> 00:15:20,326
Before we start Monday
morning quarterbacking,
415
00:15:20,361 --> 00:15:22,896
just remember we threw this
together in an afternoon.
416
00:15:22,930 --> 00:15:24,531
Hope, hang on.
417
00:15:24,565 --> 00:15:26,533
Daddy's coming.
418
00:15:26,567 --> 00:15:28,001
And so I looked out the window,
419
00:15:28,035 --> 00:15:29,736
and that's when I saw him
420
00:15:29,770 --> 00:15:31,070
steal my moped.
421
00:15:31,105 --> 00:15:32,839
Aha!
422
00:15:32,873 --> 00:15:35,909
And when was the last time
that window was cleaned?
423
00:15:35,943 --> 00:15:37,010
The window was open.
424
00:15:37,044 --> 00:15:38,578
That's very convenient.
425
00:15:38,612 --> 00:15:41,314
Let the record show
426
00:15:41,348 --> 00:15:42,382
that that was
427
00:15:42,416 --> 00:15:44,417
very convenient.
428
00:15:47,688 --> 00:15:49,756
We're screwed. We've
tried every legal maneuver
429
00:15:49,790 --> 00:15:52,058
we've ever seen on Law
and Order, Boston Legal,
430
00:15:52,092 --> 00:15:53,860
even that episode of Facts of Life
431
00:15:53,894 --> 00:15:55,328
where Tootie got racially profiled.
432
00:15:55,362 --> 00:15:56,996
That guy is totally lying.
433
00:15:57,031 --> 00:15:58,898
I don't know whether to scream or cry.
434
00:15:58,933 --> 00:16:00,934
That's it.
435
00:16:06,540 --> 00:16:08,208
You're a liar, Lennox,
436
00:16:08,242 --> 00:16:09,442
and I am gonna
437
00:16:09,476 --> 00:16:12,445
bust you down from star witness to loser
438
00:16:12,479 --> 00:16:14,047
who rents the movie witness.
439
00:16:14,081 --> 00:16:15,248
(Spits)
440
00:16:16,817 --> 00:16:19,185
How can you send an innocent man to jail?
441
00:16:19,220 --> 00:16:20,253
He has a slight frame
442
00:16:20,287 --> 00:16:21,487
and delicate features,
443
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:23,122
and that's great for an underwear model,
444
00:16:23,157 --> 00:16:24,557
but it is horrible for a prisoner.
445
00:16:24,592 --> 00:16:25,892
Wait a minute.
446
00:16:25,926 --> 00:16:27,026
It's been driving me crazy.
447
00:16:27,061 --> 00:16:28,294
I knew I recognized
you guys from somewhere.
448
00:16:28,329 --> 00:16:31,364
I saw you work this
routine on a meter maid.
449
00:16:31,398 --> 00:16:34,400
I will have you busted down from meter maid
450
00:16:34,435 --> 00:16:36,269
to regular maid, and trust me,
451
00:16:36,303 --> 00:16:38,805
that is a picnic without a blanket.
452
00:16:38,839 --> 00:16:40,273
(Whispering): Oh, crap,
this isn't gonna work.
453
00:16:40,307 --> 00:16:41,874
He knows about "bad cop, sad cop."
454
00:16:45,279 --> 00:16:46,613
What's taking so long?
455
00:16:46,647 --> 00:16:47,981
Oh, it's really slippery.
456
00:16:48,015 --> 00:16:50,383
Oh, here, maybe if I try to...
457
00:16:50,417 --> 00:16:52,385
(Groaning, coughs)
458
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,487
Ah, I can't breathe!
459
00:16:54,521 --> 00:16:55,555
I can't breathe!
460
00:16:57,591 --> 00:16:59,325
The cord is wrapped around his neck!
461
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,561
We got to get him out of there right away!
462
00:17:01,595 --> 00:17:04,097
Sabrina, push, push with all your might!
463
00:17:04,131 --> 00:17:05,598
(Screams)
464
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:06,933
You can do it! Harder!
465
00:17:06,967 --> 00:17:09,936
God, I can't believe you
idiots thought this would work!
466
00:17:09,970 --> 00:17:13,439
Sabrina, sometimes I think
you forget I'm your boss.
467
00:17:15,281 --> 00:17:16,714
Mama, help us.
468
00:17:16,749 --> 00:17:18,316
I have to do something.
469
00:17:31,330 --> 00:17:33,197
It's okay, it's okay.
470
00:17:33,232 --> 00:17:35,667
You're okay; Mommy's got you.
471
00:17:36,602 --> 00:17:38,436
(Wailing)
472
00:17:41,507 --> 00:17:43,441
(Panting)
473
00:17:43,475 --> 00:17:45,610
(Coughing, spits)
474
00:17:45,644 --> 00:17:48,012
It's a boy!
475
00:17:48,047 --> 00:17:48,980
(Chuckles)
476
00:17:50,983 --> 00:17:55,486
So, if you'll agree to
dismiss all these tickets,
477
00:17:55,521 --> 00:17:58,022
we can definitely get our
client to plead guilty.
478
00:17:58,057 --> 00:18:00,458
Traditionally, plea deals do
not help the defendant's lawyers
479
00:18:00,492 --> 00:18:02,660
avoid paying parking fines.
480
00:18:02,695 --> 00:18:04,796
I got it!
481
00:18:04,830 --> 00:18:06,164
We reject the deal.
482
00:18:06,198 --> 00:18:07,865
I offered no deal.
483
00:18:07,900 --> 00:18:09,133
Janice, get it on the record
484
00:18:09,168 --> 00:18:11,636
that I did not offer anyone a deal.
485
00:18:11,670 --> 00:18:13,304
(Chuckles)
486
00:18:15,374 --> 00:18:17,241
According to your previous testimony,
487
00:18:17,276 --> 00:18:21,012
when exactly did you see my client
488
00:18:21,046 --> 00:18:23,681
stealing your moped
489
00:18:23,716 --> 00:18:25,183
on Pine Street?
490
00:18:25,217 --> 00:18:27,385
May 19, 5:00 P.M.
491
00:18:27,419 --> 00:18:29,320
And is it also your testimony
492
00:18:29,355 --> 00:18:31,823
that you saw my esteemed lawyer husband
493
00:18:31,857 --> 00:18:33,658
and myself,
494
00:18:33,692 --> 00:18:36,728
also an esteemed attorney at law,
495
00:18:36,762 --> 00:18:39,998
getting a ticket on Elmwood Avenue?
496
00:18:40,032 --> 00:18:41,566
- Yes.
- Would you mind reading
497
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:44,502
what's printed on this ticket for me?
498
00:18:44,536 --> 00:18:46,204
(Clears throat)
499
00:18:46,238 --> 00:18:50,008
"May 19, 5:00 P.M."
500
00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:52,510
Ladies and gentlemen...
501
00:18:53,846 --> 00:18:55,680
... how could one man
502
00:18:55,714 --> 00:18:58,082
be in two different places,
ten miles apart from each other,
503
00:18:58,117 --> 00:18:59,350
at the exact same time?
504
00:18:59,385 --> 00:19:00,818
Is it because,
505
00:19:00,853 --> 00:19:03,021
I don't know, he has a time machine?
506
00:19:03,055 --> 00:19:06,557
Or is it because he is a liar?
507
00:19:06,592 --> 00:19:07,725
Fine!
508
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:08,593
I admit it.
509
00:19:08,627 --> 00:19:09,927
I lied.
510
00:19:09,962 --> 00:19:11,362
I didn't see him steal my moped.
511
00:19:11,397 --> 00:19:13,598
I just said it because
512
00:19:13,632 --> 00:19:15,767
that son of a bitch
slept with my girlfriend.
513
00:19:16,735 --> 00:19:18,503
Case dismissed.
514
00:19:18,537 --> 00:19:19,671
Judge: Hey!
515
00:19:19,705 --> 00:19:21,839
I'm supposed to say that.
516
00:19:24,777 --> 00:19:27,011
(Sighs)
517
00:19:27,046 --> 00:19:28,579
Oh, you're crying.
518
00:19:29,314 --> 00:19:30,748
Hey, I...
519
00:19:30,783 --> 00:19:33,418
I thought this wasn't
that big of a deal for you.
520
00:19:33,452 --> 00:19:34,519
I lied.
521
00:19:34,553 --> 00:19:36,087
(Sniffles)
522
00:19:36,121 --> 00:19:39,023
Sometimes I lie when it's
easier than telling the truth.
523
00:19:39,058 --> 00:19:41,292
I'm... I'm sorry if... if
I went a little overboard.
524
00:19:41,326 --> 00:19:42,860
I'm not.
525
00:19:42,895 --> 00:19:44,295
Neither of us was there
526
00:19:44,329 --> 00:19:45,963
the first time Hope was born, and...
527
00:19:45,998 --> 00:19:47,298
(Sighs)
528
00:19:47,332 --> 00:19:48,933
in a really weird way,
529
00:19:48,967 --> 00:19:51,135
I feel like it was good for all of us.
530
00:19:51,170 --> 00:19:53,938
'Cause we did it together.
531
00:19:55,307 --> 00:19:56,774
Like a real family.
532
00:19:56,809 --> 00:19:58,910
So this was good idea?
533
00:19:58,944 --> 00:20:01,713
No, it was a horrible idea.
534
00:20:03,015 --> 00:20:05,450
But it worked.
535
00:20:05,484 --> 00:20:07,919
And you are the sweetest man
in the world for doing it.
536
00:20:07,953 --> 00:20:10,254
Jimmy: Hope's rebirth gave us something
537
00:20:10,289 --> 00:20:12,056
that we both needed.
538
00:20:12,091 --> 00:20:13,958
The experience of doing something together
539
00:20:13,992 --> 00:20:15,660
that neither of us had done before.
540
00:20:15,694 --> 00:20:18,162
(Smooching)
541
00:20:19,598 --> 00:20:21,032
And we weren't the only ones.
542
00:20:21,066 --> 00:20:23,167
What do you think we
should do with these now?
543
00:20:23,202 --> 00:20:24,769
I guess we get rid of them.
544
00:20:24,803 --> 00:20:27,138
We're probably not gonna
pretend to be lawyers again.
545
00:20:27,172 --> 00:20:29,273
Yeah.
546
00:20:29,308 --> 00:20:31,442
They just made me feel so smart.
547
00:20:31,477 --> 00:20:33,144
Hey, it wasn't just the glasses.
548
00:20:33,178 --> 00:20:34,679
You were amazing.
549
00:20:34,713 --> 00:20:36,347
You outsmarted professional lawyers.
550
00:20:36,381 --> 00:20:38,349
You kept an innocent
man from going to jail.
551
00:20:38,383 --> 00:20:39,917
It wasn't just me.
552
00:20:39,952 --> 00:20:42,153
If you hadn't thought of
doing "bad cop, sad cop,"
553
00:20:42,187 --> 00:20:44,489
then Aaron would've never blown his alibi.
554
00:20:44,523 --> 00:20:46,057
Ah...
555
00:20:46,091 --> 00:20:49,594
You know, I bet we could've been lawyers,
556
00:20:49,628 --> 00:20:51,162
if we'd done things differently.
557
00:20:51,196 --> 00:20:52,997
Like go to law school and college
558
00:20:53,031 --> 00:20:54,332
and finished high school.
559
00:20:54,366 --> 00:20:56,667
That sounds like a lot of effort.
560
00:20:56,702 --> 00:20:58,336
And those suspenders chafed.
561
00:20:58,370 --> 00:21:00,471
Yeah, and all that posing...
562
00:21:00,506 --> 00:21:01,706
my lips hurt.
563
00:21:01,740 --> 00:21:03,341
I think I over-pouted.
564
00:21:03,375 --> 00:21:05,943
Yeah, I'm happy to retire
having never lost a case.
565
00:21:05,978 --> 00:21:07,512
Yeah, me, too.
566
00:21:07,546 --> 00:21:10,248
But I think I'll wait till
morning to throw these out.
567
00:21:10,282 --> 00:21:11,449
Good idea.
568
00:21:17,456 --> 00:21:19,190
Maybe if we sleep in 'em,
569
00:21:19,224 --> 00:21:22,858
we'll have smart dreams.
570
00:21:27,859 --> 00:21:33,610
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571
00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:38,210
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